Johnny T, Retiree

My name is Johnny T, retiree. My thing is Almost Comedy. It's kind of like near beer, close but not quite the real thing.

Here's an example of Almost Comedy.

I've been reading about Gay Marriage, a very controversial issue. I'm okay with it. Marriage is great. But people don't do it like the old days. My parents are married 62 years. I'm their oldest kid. Guess how old I am? Yeah, 61. Back then it was wham, bam have a kid.

Nowadays, people wait till they're 35. So they go to the fertility clinic. And now iit's-- "My father's name is donor." Yeah, artificial insemination. Women are going for the donor instead of the boner.

But my fear is they all want to have the perfect kid, looks like Denzel Washington, plays ball like Derek Jeter, brains like Bill Gates and a moustache like Geraldo.

So they get a kid-- a creepy little introvert, with toothpick legs, has a fetish for X-box-- and a great moustache.

See-- almost comedy.

But, I've been retired about a year now. I used to be a college advisor. I advised the kids to stay in college as long as possible, if their parents were paying.

"No, I'm paying." Then you need to graduate as soon as possible. "I flunked Calculus." You need to take something else. "I flunked Chemistry." Can you spell Sociology. "No." How about English?

My wife got nervous when I retired. She said "you're only 60 why don't you get a job?"

I said why get a job when I can make a handsome living doing standup.

And so here we are. I was nervous about retiring. I used to work as a schoolteacher and I noticed some teachers would retire and die of a heart attack like two weeks later. So they gave the kids heart attacks for 40 years-- and then they did it to themselves.