Johnny T, Retiree

My name is Johnny T, retiree. My thing is Almost Comedy. It's kind of like near beer, close but not quite the real thing.

Here's an example of Almost Comedy.

I've been reading about Gay Marriage, a very controversial issue. I'm okay with it. Marriage is great. But people don't do it like the old days. My parents are married 62 years. I'm their oldest kid. Guess how old I am? Yeah, 61. Back then it was wham, bam have a kid.

Nowadays, people wait till they're 35. So they go to the fertility clinic. And now iit's-- "My father's name is donor." Yeah, artificial insemination. Women are going for the donor instead of the boner.

But my fear is they all want to have the perfect kid, looks like Denzel Washington, plays ball like Derek Jeter, brains like Bill Gates and a moustache like Geraldo.

So they get a kid-- a creepy little introvert, with toothpick legs, has a fetish for X-box-- and a great moustache.

See-- almost comedy.

But, I've been retired about a year now. I used to be a college advisor. I advised the kids to stay in college as long as possible, if their parents were paying.

"No, I'm paying." Then you need to graduate as soon as possible. "I flunked Calculus." You need to take something else. "I flunked Chemistry." Can you spell Sociology. "No." How about English?

My wife got nervous when I retired. She said "you're only 60 why don't you get a job?"

I said why get a job when I can make a handsome living doing standup.

And so here we are. I was nervous about retiring. I used to work as a schoolteacher and I noticed some teachers would retire and die of a heart attack like two weeks later. So they gave the kids heart attacks for 40 years-- and then they did it to themselves.

Toastmaster Comedy

Principles of comedy from a Toastmaster magazine, Aug. 2010.
by: William H. Stevenston freelance writer in Hunstsville, Alabama
whsteve3@aol.com

1) The Funniest Subject: You
2) Use Battle of Sexes for Comedic Barbs
3) Comedy in Current Events
4) Show Them You're Funny (props)-- and maybe physical action

Things Not to Do
1) Drop the Joke Book

My Take #1-- Lots of People Squawking on TV These Days

I heard a guy on TV say that Newsweek wrote an article on how US was not the best country in the world to live anymore. They ranked Finland, Sweden and Norway ahead of the US. The announcer said Newsweek must be pro-socialist. Think again buddy. That was probably some nebbish Ivy League writer from Manhattan on a European sex vacation. Got his mind blown by some 6 foot blonde Swedish waitress.

The other thing in the news is gay marriage-- very controversial. It's okay, I'm all for marriage. But it's not like the old days. My parents have been married 62 years. And i'm their oldest kid. Guess how old I am-- 61 years. That's how they did it in the old days... wham, bam -- have a kid. Nowadays you gotta wait till your 35 years and try to conceive. So you consult the fertility expert, or you go the artificial insemination route.... My dad's name is -- Donor.

So women are going for the donor instead of the boner.

But here's the problem-- everybody wants a kid that looks like Denzel Washington, plays ball like Derek Jeter, has brains like Bill Gates and has a moustache like Geraldo Rivera.

Instead they get a creepy little introvert with an X-box fetish, toothpick legs and a great moustache.

I used to be a taciturn farm boy from the Midwest, the high plains, the golden wheat fields where the antelopes and buffalo played until we killed them, along with the Indians. Now I'm a hardboiled, big city reporter for the Daily Planet.